Fear

Years ago an anonymous person (anonymous to me) gave me a poem/prayer that really seemed to touch on just what I was feeling. I have saved the slip of paper on which it's written and every few years I come across it again and realize that it is still applicable in my life. I figured since it has affected me so much that I should share it with others.

I feel it coming again: fear, crawling under my skin.
That quite unspoken, never-admitted feeling...
That haunting, ever nagging, turn-your-back-and-run panic...
Fear: not of spiders or big dogs or the pull of the ocean,
But fear of my ability, people's reaction, the future, mistakes.
O Lord, help me to face my fears and turn them around.
By my anchor; stand by me until I-
Stop fearing I might lose in love...
But fear instead that I might never love at all.
Stop fearing there are others better than me...
But fear instead that I will never discover my true potential.
Stop fearing I might not meet others' expectations...
But fear instead that I might never know yours.
Stop fearing what lies ahead tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...
But fear instead that I might never experience life's drama today.
Stop fearing hurt and sorrow and tears...
But fear instead that I will never know the pains of growth.
Stop fearing I might fail...
But fear instead that I might never try.
Stop fearing others will laugh at me...
But fear instead that I might never learn to laugh at myself.
O Lord, help me to anchor my life on your hope
Instead of my fear.
O Lord, I know an adventurous life can never be fear-free..
But at least help my fears to be my soul's signal for rallying.
Instead of running.

Lessons in Waiting

I have never been a patient person. Not that I hate waiting, I just hate waiting for things that seem unnecessary. It may be due to the fact that I was raised in a family where you don't arrive on time, you arrive at least five minutes before that. Church starts at 9:30, we were there at 9, school starts at 7:45 we arrive every morning at 7:30. It was a good lesson overall. I was never late for a class, always showed up for an interview early, and unless it was out of my control always made it to work on time. The only problem with this is that I have become intolerant of other peoples' lateness. Occasionally, there is an exception or excuse that I find makes sense, there was a 10 car pile up (not just normal traffic) or the person slipped and fell in the mud and needed to change their clothes really quick before coming but other than those I don't really understand. My general thought has always been that if I have made it on time why can't you.

Burkina, as I have learned, loves testing my limits, and timeliness or lack there of is no exception. Burkina verses the fast-paced US is a slow country culturally, but it's not the cultural slows that get under my skin. I can't sit for hours waiting for a shot of tea with friends. But then there are those times...

-A bush taxi is scheduled to leave at 9:30 in the morning, and has been sitting in waiting since 7am. At 9:25 they decide that they need to work on the car a bit. At 10am they realize that it might be a good idea to start loading the baggage. On a good day they start loading people around 10:30, everyone piles in, but then the driver decides that he wants to go home and eat first.

-You are told that it is important to be ready early and are asked if 5:30am is okay, since obviously the early morning time will be harder on you than everyone else. You say sure you can make it work. You get up early, are dressed and packed by 5:25, and then 5:30 rolls around, and then 5:45 and then 6:00. The others show up without even trying to offer an excuse as to why you had to wake up so early.

-You get to a restaurant and search out the chef and place your order. You then sit down and wait for the drink server to come by, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes... Finally after a lot of searching and asking a girl walks up. When you mention that you have been waiting for 30 minutes you are told that she went inside to take a shower. Another 30 minutes later your food shows up. And no, your spaghetti is meatless, so even the excuse of needing to go kill a cow first is out.

From the title of this blog you probably thought on how I was going to write on how Burkina has made me a more patient person, but that's not the lessons I've learned. These are the real lessons:

1.Just because you have something to do today does not mean that anyone else does.

2.Bring 2 books, an iPod and a pad of sudoku games everywhere you go. One book isn't always going to cut it.

3.Not everyone was raised by parents who value timeliness and the need to not have others wait for you. :o)